Uncomfortable Touching Makes Me Uncomfortable

I always knew that I never needed much.
Of course, this is mostly referring to affection.
 It was never something that seemed like a necessity. The awkward physical contact, I still don't really understood other people's desperation, and odd craving for it.
Up until maybe a year ago, I never even really hugged people- feeling that being that close to someone else would only make me uncomfortably warm. Naturally, I became what you would call a guru at dodging such acts. I squirm, ninja roll, jump, flip and many other movements to evade such prolonged exposure to the skin of another human, that acted like poison, making a heat burn in my face.
Of course, in the act of relationships, it is something that is viewed as a norm.The hand-holding, hugging, kissing, etc.
I guess I have time, as I sit in this class (unable to converse), to explain my issues with these common acts of intimacy.
Hand Holding 
Definition: a grip or secure hold with the hand or hands.
Hand-holding always was quite uncomfortable for me. Such a simple act of intimacy always lead to an uncomfortable situation. I am fairly certain that I cannot be the only person who finds such situation uncomfortable for on reason- sweaty palms. Look at that! Your hands are freaking crying! That is how much they dislike the entwined fingers, you suffocate them. Can walking next to each other suffice? Jesus.
 I was always pretty bad for avoiding hand-holding,which could possibly be one of the main reasons I remain single... but who the hell cares?
 I'm protecting my hands from being over heated and drenched in the sweat of others! It leaves your hands cold, clammy and all around disgusting. Its also awkward, especially while walking. Who's hand will dominate the other? How do you decide? While attempting to figure this out on the go, it usually leads to an abundance of pointless adjustment. One person always needs to assert themselves, and be the decision maker. I think in the hand holding process, one person will always remain uncomfortable. I say avoid it! I think the fact that their is a how-to on hand holding, it is definitely not something that is supposed to come naturally to us normal people (see: How to Hold Hands: 10 steps (with pictures)). How about we just stop it and let our poor hands breathe okay?

Hug 

Definition: Squeeze (someone) tightly in one's arms, typically to express affection.

Next I suppose is the hug, such a common affectionate act. Okay, I have to admit, I don't mind hugging when I really need it (if I'm sad or something), or if someone else needs it. It is such a powerful comforting action... but seriously, if I don't need it, don't try it. I guess I just wasn't exposed to hugs much as a kid, besides the occasional hug from a relative. Getting into elementary school, around grade 6 or 7, I found people trying to hug me alarming. I took it as an offensive maneuver to trap me, so I went into defense mode. As soon as someone would wrap their arms around me and attempt to crush my frail bones, I would sink my teeth into anything I could. This went on for almost 5 years, I have become more used to the idea of it. Still, I don't want other people stealing my body heat, and I sure as hell don't need theirs.
As previously stated, I really do not enjoy the whole... experience of a hug, and tend to become unnaturally warm, a sign of embarrassment or being uncomfortable. I have acquired such skills over the years, that has allowed me to be a master of avoiding this situation- but sometimes I can't escape it.

Kiss
Definition: to touch or press with the lips slightly pursed, and then often to part them and to emit a smacking sound, in an expression of affection, love, greeting, reverence, etc.

The swapping of saliva through what could be a failed attempt of mouth -to-mouth resuscitation, a.k.a kissing, snogging, tonsil hockey, making out, face sucking, etc. Such a disgusting act, with such an unlikeable sound. A friend recently told me of its scientific significance in courting... but still, nasty. (I avoid a picture for this one).
I have also tried to avoid kissing, because it is always awkward. Everyone kisses differently, and sometimes it just gets down-right sloppy. A mass of lips clashing against lips with spittle flying everywhere. Usually, dramatized and exaggerated that leads full out sucking of face. One person's face, completely consumed by the fat lips of another person.
It is also uncomfortable when you are in the position, where you are watching a couple engaging in this unsanitary act. Slurps and heavy breathing, adding unnecessary qualities - God Damn it! Breath! The art of avoiding this one is rather simple, just act completely oblivious. When someone tries to make the moves, begin to emit a high-pitch, siren like noise, and they are sure to back the hell off.


Sex 
Definition: Sexual contact between individuals involving penetration, esp. the insertion of a man's erect penis into a woman's vagina.


No- Just no.

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That is all.

I Spat In Your Coffee

At around 9 p.m. this evening, I found myself sitting in a Timmie's about a 15 minute walk from my house. My coffee was burnt- I should have taken this as a sign from the gods that I was not meant to be there.

It was when you sat down that I realized, I really can't handle this.
You are twice my size, weighing in 100lbs more than me, and standing at least a foot taller. You also have a year on me, as you are a 12B student. I want to tell you how much I regret meeting you sometimes.

I was even nice enough to buy your broke-ass a coffee. I kept that stupid smile plastered on my face, laughed at your miserable joke, but the truth is eating me up on the inside.
I want to scream it at the top of my lungs.
You, sir, are an asshole.
You have always claimed that since you are a year older, you must be more mature. I question that.
You are still just a boy, so isn't it about time you grew up? Be a man.

When you decided it would be a grand idea to tell me you like me, you were astonished by my response. I have to admit, even I know it wasn't a typical response. It wasn't "I don't like you" or " I like you", it was three simple words: "No you don't."
After a bad breakup from a two year relationship, you were looking for something to cling to- someone to cling to. You decided me. Genius move.
I persuaded you that you were just looking for something that wasn't necessarily there. That you were rebounding, so used to being in a relationship that you were trying to force yourself into one. It was cruel of me, but I believed it was for a good cause.
After that, you said you were okay, but I realized you have gone completely out of your way to make me miserable.

You have damaged my friendships, tried to pick fights with me, made me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Usually, I can survive that, I have before. You did something different though, you always continued to claim you were a nice guy.

Ripping me apart emotionally when I was already in a broken state- that doesn't make you a good guy. It took me until I met some genuinely nice people (you know who you are), for me to finally clue in.

So here I sat, across from you.

I swore I wouldn't say anything, even though you made a big mistake.
Telling your friend that we were fooling around... I haven't even made any affectionate contact with you.
What the hell are you doing? 
Anger burning in my stomach, I sat across from you, drinking my burnt coffee. That smile painted on, misleading and so easy to use.
I promised I wouldn't say anything.
I didn't want to break that promise.
I wanted to scream, to shout, tell you exactly what I think of you-

Instead I sat.

Drinking my shitty, burnt, Tim Horton's coffee, at a table that probably hadn't been wiped all day. Living a miserable lie.
You moved to go to the washroom, leaving your mostly full cup of coffee on the table.

At 9:17, I spat in your coffee.

It was the least I could do.

An OD survival Guide for ParkStreetians

I feel like one stealthy ninja when I walk through the hallways of OD.
It is like I have successfully infiltrated a foreign country and have blended in with society there.
The truth is:
I am an alien. 
However, how could anyone else know? I know some of my 'classmates' have come to realize that I do not belong there, but for them to blow my cover would mean death.
The customs are different, the groups of people are different.
I haven't had much of a chance to analyze the disturbing nature of the majority of the OD students, however there are some beings who share many common characteristics with my own people!
There are many kind people at OD, some of which I have decided to mingle amongst (they know who they are).
Walking through the hallway, I have noticed, some people seem unnerved when I make eye contact with them and smile. In the place I come from it is a custom, silent greeting.
I've had many females glare when I smile at them, but the majority just give me a confused look that asks: 'Who are you?' Of course they have no idea. We share a common tongue, which made my life a lot easier.
We are much simpler folk, as demonstrated by our architecture (two boxes on top of each other), OD on the other hand is a complex maze, meant to confuse those who are unsure of where things are. I have a strange feeling this is part of their plan to weed out those who do not belong... but I must not jump to conclusions.I believe the easiest way to navigate this labyrinth is follow the pack.

like a boss

I must remember, however, I am the foreigner here. I cannot allow people to become too suspicious of me. I must learn to blend in. Like Altair blending in with a crowd... except that may be a bit suspicious, these people may not be as foolish and slow as the templars.


I have a strange suspicion that if I ever find myself lost, that they will notice. I will be like a fluffy lamb amongst a pack of wolves. I think they will hunt me down, put a bag over my head, torture than cannibalize me... but that may just be my paranoia.
I live by the rule of 'play it safe'. Laugh when everyone else laughs, don't make a giant spectacle and just wait your turn. Blend into the background like no tomorrow.
My first couple of weeks have been fairly easy... I believe it has been quite a success.
That is all I can say for now, any turns in events will be reported.

This stealthy ninja is signing out.